I’ve realized…

I don’t like working. Maybe it’s the job i’m doing now, which I do enjoy teaching, but maybe my problem is that I don’t want to work. Perhaps I’m a lazy soul. If I don’t teach what else could I do? I’m terrible in math and sciences and a masters or doctorate degree in international affairs/studies/relations etc. is pointless. I don’t see what I could do and enjoy. Should I just stick with teaching for now? I don’t know. :\

On another note, I’m having the same problem with this guy, Enes, as I did 2 years ago; I don’t understand him or what he wants. He’s always calm, doesn’t say much, and seemingly busy. I visited him last week in Ankara and I went to give him a hug when waiting for the elevator and he all but jumped back and pushed me away..he’s done that several times. He just said something stupid like the elevator gets stuck sometimes or something. I can’t figure out if he is afraid of being seen with me and what others will say, or… i don’t even know. He’s not as attentive as I want him to be. I feel like it’s his culture to “chase” the woman if he likes her, which he doesn’t do. I often wonder if I just mis-interrupted his actions…but I’m fairly certain I didn’t. 
That weekend I took an 8-9 hour bus ride to get to him. I took a connection bus from manisa to the izmir bus depot and from izmir straight to Ankara. I left my house at 8am and got to ankara at about 5:30 or so where he picked me up. Idk what I was expecting, a kiss maybe, it was a little awkward but he just did a hug and kiss cheeks. I feel he holds back. He took me to his apartment which is great! It seems to be new and he has decorated quite nicely. I was well impressed. His friend/roommate Ferhat is from Azerbaijan and was just adorable. He and his Gf Asli (Ashley ;)) were so excited that I was coming that they made me home cooked food from Azerbaijan. She’s Turkish though. I really liked them and then Asli’s sister Emelle came and she also was fantastic. Enes and Asli had left earlier in the day to go pick up Emelle and Ferhat and I chit chatted about how we both used to live in Tbilisi and how he and his girl are hoping to do advanced degrees in the states or canada and stay on there as they’re both engineers. I was not impressed about Canada of course which he found comical. He also had studied in Sheffield, a uni I had thought about doing a masters in…will reconsider that thought as he said it was a lame city…i think NYC will do just fine. 🙂 After the amazing dinner they prepared us all, we headed out on the town and ended up at some place called botanical for some blackberry wine and chats. It was great. Ferhat and Asli were soooo affectionate with each other and I was feeling cold from Enes. 😦 After his earlier rejection of me I was not so quick to touch him again. There is always some tension between us. Sexual/expectant. Like we’re both thinking the same thing but alas neither does anything. I was tired about this point so we headed home and as we were getting ready for bed…enes was weird. I was chatting with ferhat bc he was a little drunk and he’s just a comical fellow, and i forget what i said but something about me being beautiful and he said “yes you are very beautiful” and i could feel enes’ energy change about this comment. THe man was not at all hitting on me but enes wanted to got to sleep and he said something to ferhat like “you’re being weird man” ferhat was surprised and turned to me and i told him it’s between you two guys, which enes replied “yeah it’s between us two. you’re always weird.” he said it in a joking way but he was serious I felt. Did he get jealous? I think so. Weird. As we were laying down we spooned which was nice. He was struggling with his hard-on though. Bless. After awhile I could tell we weren’t going to get any sleep…we ended up having sex. I was afraid he was a virgin but rest assured he certainly wasn’t. I could tell he knew what he was doing. After some heaving…petting, we got down to business and it wasn’t bad. If I hadn’t have been so tired I would have demanded another round. I don’t know what he thought of it all though because he of course didn’t say anything about it. Just kind of blinked in the darkness. ugh. not fucking impressed. We dozed off after that and he took me for a delicious brunch on his universities campus…it was way too good. Afterwards, we walked around campus and it really i s a nice campus. Next we picked up Asli and headed to the other side of campus, apparently it takes up 1/4 of the campus, where the government is putting a highway through a portion of the campus and students are pissed about it. Enes and Ferhat, those stupid engineers, are for it though. They took me too a huge lake where you could walk, jog, bike, paddleboat, and more. We first got some food/tea after taking a bus ride around the lake and sat and looked at the “none” ducks according to them… they were totally ducks. after that we took a paddleboat out and fought in the water; it was magical. after that Firhat and asli were hungry again and we got some chico gozleme…something like that. we then headed back and Enes was giving me my affection i was hungry for. Our walk back we held hands and hugged and all.. there is still something there though. I’ll have to ask him wtf the deal is soon though cus I hate asking questions; especially since i like him and i’ll drop a man faster than one can blink if i think he’s jerking me around. While we were waiting for the others to get to the car I asked him about the day before and he said i could never make him uncomfortable that it was something unconscious or something. ..ok After our lake adventure we were going to go ice skating as Ferhat has never been, but it was closed, so we went to a place called Tabu where you can drink/eat/ and play board games! It was AWESOME! We ended up playing Risk and it was in Turkish so they had to translate it for me and Ferhat, that bad boy, he was cheating; well Enes was going to cheat as well…but they caught us. haha. Enes and I were on a team. It was fun playing with him. Felt like we were a real couple. :p He even gave me an unexpected kiss on the check during the game because we made some great play. haha. WE then went for chinese food. Yum. Afterwards we raced to the bus station and i had to pee… tough luck but i made it and no kiss goodbye. Enes told me later that they all loved me and were missing me already. I could feel their energy when I was there that they thought we were together. Or maybe I read that because it’s what I want. I got home an hour before I needed to report to my half day of work because tuesday was “national” day…they did nothing for it I think and I didn’t have to be at school again until thursday…but before that…Veli


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